Regrets
by nofearonlylove
Summary: Love was always synonymous with her pain. Red thought that the words weren't necessary for Nicky and her, but now that she had never said them, it was all she could think about. Red/Nicky ONESHOT. Please R&R!


**AN: This story is dedicated to my muffin, beanflickingmotherteresa. I hope you stay on the right track with your health and I love you very much.**

 **Special shout out to my two partners in crime, Johanna-002 and AliceSloane13. You are my soundboards and I'd never write these words at all if it wasn't for you two.**

 **This is a oneshot of what I believed happened after Nicky was taken to max in the season 3 episode, "Empathy is a Boner Killer". Red tries coping with Nicky's absence.**

 **If you like this story, please R &R! XOXO - E**

 _Nicky Nichols was never supposed to happen to her._

That doe-eyed, frizzy-haired beauty with a big mouth and passion for drugs and women, was never supposed to happen to Galina Reznikov. She had rules. She had kept all of her girl at arms length. Two strikes. That's all any of them got, and then they had to figure out how to go on without her to guide them if it came to that. It backfired in a horrific way with Tricia, and Red would never forgive herself for what had happened to her, but she also knew that the rules she kept were in place for a reason. To threaten her girls into staying on the straight and narrow, and also, to protect herself from getting too close to them.

But the moment Red saw Nicky in handcuffs and being hauled off to "max" was the moment that Red knew that two strikes would never, no _could_ never apply to her.

Red would give just about anything to bring Nicky back. She didn't even get to hug her. Red knew that Nicky had fucked up. Again. And maybe she should have smacked her and told her that she was no longer a part of her family. But all Red could tell her was that she should have come to her, that she would have helped her, that she would have done anything to get her through whatever it was she was going through.

She should have told Nicky that two strikes didn't apply to her. She should have told Nicky that she was her _daughter_. Not just her prison daughter, but her daughter, and that she wouldn't ever give up on her. Maybe if Nicky knew that, she would have come to her, and they would have gotten through this, maybe not unscathed, but together.

Now she was gone. And Red was lying on Nicky's bunk, her face buried in her pillow. It smelled like her. Red was sure that if she never got to see Nicky again, she would never forget her distinct smell. Nicky always smelled like strawberries to Red. Red closed her eyes and realized that she would never be able to eat, or even see a strawberry again without thinking of Nicky.

Why didn't she come to her? She would have done anything for Nicky.

 _Because that's not what I do, okay? I love you!_

Red internally flinched. Why didn't she tell her she loved her, too? Nicky told her she loved her, and all Red could do was stand there in shock, and let Lorna say the words for her. Red may never see her again, and she didn't tell her what was in her heart.

Red always had a hard time with matters of the heart. Loving only brought her heartache. Loving her husband ultimately landed her in Litchfield, and loving her boys brought her heartache because loving them from afar wasn't the same as loving them and mothering them everyday, face to face. She had failed them. Her love couldn't raise them. Love was always synonymous with her pain. Red thought that the words weren't necessary for Nicky and her, but now that she had never said them, it was all she could think about.

Red assumed Nicky knew that 'two strikes' didn't apply to her, and she was wrong. And her girl was so self-loathing, so despite all the love Red felt for Nicky, she had no one but herself to blame for knowing that Nicky had been taken away from her without knowing how much Red loved her, too.

The guilt was suffocating her, and Nicky had only been gone for two hours.

They would be coming to clean out her things, soon. Red was clutching onto Nicky's hairbrush, and had grabbed some of the artwork she had on her wall, too.

She had every intention of lying here until she was forced to leave. They may have taken her child away, but she wouldn't give up on her without a fight. She'd fight them until she couldn't anymore. Maybe if she fought hard enough, she'd get put away to max, too. Then she could see Nicky again...

Red knew she was thinking irrationally. That both of them in max would not do any good. Red had to take care of Norma, Gina & especially Lorna, now. She still had her girls and they needed her. But a part of Red's heart was gone, and she wasn't sure how to come back from this.

She closed her eyes as a tear trickled down her face, and within minutes, she was asleep.

 **~ NRNRNRNRNRNRNRNRNRNRNRNRNRNR ~**

She felt a familiar, gentle hand on her arm, the other gently pushing her hair away from her face.

She opened her eyes. "Norma?"

Norma helps Red to sit up, looking at her expectantly.

Red takes a deep breath, or at least tries to. Even breathing seemed to take effort for her right now.

Depression had officially set in. Nicky really was gone. She looks at Norma. "I should have been watching her, Norma."

Norma shakes her head in desperation. She didn't want Red to blame herself for Nicky's choices.

Red shakes her head. "No. I let her down. I abandoned her. Not intentionally. Never intentionally. I thought she was doing okay. I should have known better. I know her better than anyone, and I failed her."

She looks into Norma's sad eyes and manages a small, tired smile. "I thought she knew that I loved her, that no matter how many mistakes she made, I'd be by her side. I would have helped her. She didn't know that because I was too busy drilling it into everyone's heads how much fucking up again would assure their being cut from my family. But I didn't mean Nicky, Norma. I never meant Nicky! And now she's gone...she's gone and I just...I don't want to leave here. This is her bunk, Norma. It's hers. If I leave here then it will all be taken away, just like she was taken from me...and I can't...I can't let her go...I can't!"

Norma had never seen Red so unglued before. She put her arm around her best friend's shoulder, and forced Red to lay her head on her shoulder. Norma was always good at comforting others. It was just unnerving to see Red needing it from her, because it had never happened before.

Red allowed herself to literally cry on her friend's shoulder, and after a few minutes, she had managed to calm herself down enough to pull away from her a bit. Now thoroughly embarrassed, she wipes her cheeks with the backs of her hands. "I know one thing, Norma. If Nicky comes back, I won't give up on her. I'll make sure she knows that."

She takes a deep breath and looks at Norma questioningly. "You think she'll come back, Norma?"

Norma nods with a determined expression on her face.

Red nods. "If she doesn't come back, I won't ever be the same...you know?"

Norma reaches over and squeezes Red's hand. Red would always have her by her side, no matter what.

Red smiles, and her voice is barely above a whisper when she speaks. "Thank you."

Norma gets up and offers Red her hand. It was time to go back to her own bunk. As much as Red didn't want to leave, she knew she had to. She would allow herself a day of wallowing tomorrow, but then she would need to move on, as much as the thought broke her heart into a million pieces.

Red took her hand and Norma helped her up. Red scooped up the hairbrush and the photos, and then ran her hand around the blanket and pillow one last time, her eyes full of tears.

She looked at Norma and shook her head. "I feel like a part of me is missing, Norma. I don't feel like myself anymore."

Norma can only nod sadly at her. It was times like this where she wished she had a voice to comfort her friend. She hoped her presence was comfort enough.

Red managed to straighten her back out, a determined look on her face. "I have to believe she will come back. There's too much that's been left unsaid between us and I need to look forward to the day I get to see her again. It's the only way I'll survive this, Norma."

Norma shrugs her shoulders and nods understandingly. In all the years she had known Red, no one had been able to touch her heart as much as Nicky Nichols. For that to be ripped from Red so suddenly had been devastating. Norma sighed and reached out to take Red's hand, intent on guiding her back to her own bunk for lights out.

Red took her hand and allowed herself to be led out of Nicky's cube and into her own. She sat down and sighed deeply. She was so tired. She wondered if this empty feeling would ever be filled again?

Not without Nicky it wouldn't, she knew. This separation was already taking its toll. Nicky was her heart. Nicky was everything that mattered. She hoped Nicky could be strong in max without her there.

She watched as Norma stuck the eye and arrow artwork of Nicky's onto her wall, and she took the hairbrush from her, placing it in with her own things. She would cherish it until Nicky came back.

Later, as she tossed and turned in her own bunk, one thought came to her over and over again before sleep finally came...

 _Nicky Nichols was never supposed to happen to her._ But Red was forever changed because of her, and for that she would be eternally grateful, whether Nicky came back to her or not.

 **FIN.**


End file.
